Charlie

I just did it.                     I gave in.                         I cut myself.

                   I wonder if                      Grandpa                can look down from

heaven and                      see what                          I’m doing.               I wonder if

                   he understands.               Probably not.                            Let’s push that

thought aside.

Did you know that

the adrenaline is almost as

addicting as the cutting?

I think that’s part of why           I do it.

Imagine;

this is how it goes:

pull out the blade,

          place it on my thigh,

bite my lip.

Two-second pause,

to make myself wait, drawing more

adrenaline, no

second guessing here.

Then, I push,

creating pressure.

And the whole time it

slides and slices through

my skin, I keep adding weight,

keep adding pressure.

The sight of blood excites me.

I love to see my pale skin and

the crimson liquid kiss.

It’s almost a turn-on.

Wow, I just realized

how sick that makes me.

Maybe I should be hospitalized.

I don’t want to be insane,

not like her.

We take what we can get.

                             Unfortunately, our parents pass a lot on.

                                                Genes are a huge part of who we are,

                                                                             what we are.

                                                Please tell me

                             I’m not as sick

As she is.