Charlotte

Seems as if my façade may not be

quite as see-through as I thought.

They know, people have suspicions.

My mother is talking about sending me off to some kind of

mental institution. I keep telling her that all I need is my

Bible, church, and prayer. I’m lying. What I really mean is

all I need is sex. She doesn’t know that though. At least, I don’t

think she does. As it turns out, I’m not really sure what I know and what I don’t know anymore.

All I can say for sure is that

it feels like I’m falling. I have

no control over my life, no control

over anything anymore. I can’t decide how

I’m going to feel. I can’t choose whether or not I’m

going to be okay. For the first time in my life, I’m losing all

control.

I can’t understand how mother

thinks. It doesn’t make sense to

me that to be “okay,” I need to

go into some facility with a bunch

of crazy people. Besides, everything

would be out then. No longer would

I be the respected-by-society Christian.

I wouldn’t be looked up to. In fact, people

would probably despise me. Who knows

the names I would attain then? I don’t

want that kind of reputation.

I want              God                  back                 in                     my                   life.

Maybe.

I don’t know what I want.

I feel like there are multiple people inside of me,

ripping my soul to shreds.

Maybe I’m not normal.. this is much more than

a head versus heart issue.

This is a battle for my spirit, a battle for my soul.

I’ve read about things like

this. We’ve talked about it in church, but I never

actually thought it would

happen to me. I honestly thought that everything

was just like those scary movies.

I thought to be possessed, your head

has to spin in a complete circle. But maybe, just maybe,                                               I’m housing demons.