Charlotte

Because I have such a hard time                                                                              with who I am,

I need some way to deal with it.

Now, don’t get me wrong,

            I try so hard to appease God – to make Him happy.

But reading my Bible

and praying just doesn’t seem

to do it for me.

Don’t tell

            anyone

I said that.                                           I’m more than                                                                     ashamed.

                        I’m disgusted.                                                 But even more disgusting

            is what I do to cope. It’s just a little thing called                                                     sex.

I sleep with men,

I sleep with women.

I have sex for the pain,

I have sex for the pleasure.

Most of all, I have sex because

                        it numbs me.

God knows everything; I know that.

But for some reason, I can’t bring myself

to confess this to Him.

I can’t lay it on the altar.

I can’t talk to Him about sex.

I’m not married – it’s obviously a sin.

The Bible speaks out about prostitution and

sexual immorality.

I know all the possible

consequences.

            Pregnancy,

            Diseases,

            God’s angry wrath.

                                                And as much as it shames me, I simply compartmentalize.

                                                            Because I like to feel numb even though it’s wrong.

            I casually push

God aside and ask for His

forgiveness.

I know He’s not happy –

to say the least.

But, He’s also standing there with open arms,

Just waiting for me to come to Him.

So why won’t I just give in?

Why do I place sex above Him?